I originally wrote this post BC (before COVID-19). 3 years later, and after 18+ months of A LOT of family dinners, I thought that it was worth re-posting. Is it just me, or has life gotten really busy again???
Original posting: April 2018
We’ve all read the blogs and news articles about the importance of the family dinner. So much research out there shows that a family who eats together stays together, right? In this crazy, fast paced world we live in, you have to make time to sit down, eat dinner and connect with your family. Have a conversation with your kids and your spouse. Talk about their day. Love each other. Eat.
So what happens when you realize that 6 o’clock is actually the worst time ever for your family to all be crammed together around the small dinner table in your house, and that forcing a family dinner actually does more harm than good? Staggered dinners, connecting over breakfast or a new family activity may be what you need instead.
Family dinners are good for the family WHEN family dinners actually work for your family.
Last spring was an exceptionally busy time in our house. My husband was slammed at work, putting in some pretty crazy hours. My kids, then 8 and 10, had a few extra after-school and evening activities thrown in to their schedule, and I was just embarking on a new project. Between managing homework, sports- chauffeuring and feeding the family, evenings were becoming tough.
But I still kept up with the family dinner.
I busted my butt between the hours of 3pm and 8pm to manage all the crazies and still get dinner on the table for when my husband walked in the door and we could all sit down together and eat. God forbid there was excessive traffic! Oh sure there are lots of things that you can do to make this easier like meal planning and prepping, slow cooking, casserole making, etc.. But bottom line – it was exhausting.
The Family Dinner Was Pushing Us Apart
Rushing from xyz sport, I was harried and stressed getting dinner ready while trying to help with homework, cleaning up from the after school hurricane, and managing the sibling bickering that always seemed to hit an epic note while I was pulling the meal together.
When Dad came home, instead of a relaxed and joyous homecoming, it was a complete gong show! Luckily he had a nice 20 minute commute to come home, and was usually decompressed from his day by the time he walked in, excited to see his precious wife and kids. But what did he get? An exasperated wife who wanted nothing to do with anyone anymore, and fighting kids that wanted him to step in and referee. By the time we sat down, I was exhausted and needed a little time out myself! Not a good start for family “connecting”.
Next, the vying for attention would start. He wanted mine, this kids wanted ours, and I wanted none of it at that point! And then unfortunately negative attention started to become just as good as positive attention. Inevitably, one child would be “sent to the stairs” for a little time out.
But eating together as a family is important for the well being of your family, right? Hmm….
My mother in law coined this situation well – when her kids were growing up she regularly fed them before her husband came home. Her argument was that she didn’t want him to always be a part of the “uglies”. She was lucky enough to enjoy a lot of time with the kids as a stay at home mom when they were young, and later as a teacher when the kids were a bit older. But as many parents can attest, the witching hour is usually right around dinner time. She didn’t want that to be the experience when Dad came home and only had a precious few hours in the evening to be with his family. Those hours needed a different tactic that worked for everyone.
So why does society force the family dinner?
You can’t argue that kids and parents spending time together is super valuable in today’s busy and digital world. And attaching that time to a regular, repeating event like dinner time just makes sense. But when it stops working for your family and starts causing more tension than connectedness, it’s time to make some adjustments.
I’m happy to say that we ended up temporarily killing the family dinner, and we grew closer as a result. For the next couple of months, we had an “eat when it suits you policy”. I still tried to have meals prepped and ready for them to eat, but I focussed on meals that were easy to just grab or scoop or reheat. I found that I was getting some great, relaxed one on one time with my son (8) while he ate his dinner and I tidied the kitchen. When his sister (10) came home from soccer, I enjoyed recapping her day with her while she ate dinner and my son did his reading homework. Later, when their Dad came home, the kids were fed and happy, and they got to enjoy some quality time with him before getting ready for bed. And then the two of us would sit down and enjoy a nice relaxed dinner in peace. We could actually connect and talk too.
*Benefits of killing the family dinner*
Sure, I felt like a short order cook sometimes, but the trade off was quality time with my people. And it wasn’t like this every day! Some days I’d eat dinner with one of the kids, other days the kids and I would eat together. And some days, yes, it did work out that we’d all sit down and eat together – it still did happen occasionally, but it wasn’t forced. We did it when it worked. We also made a bit more of an effort on the weekends to eat together (or ski together, or hike together, etc), and we also discovered that Sunday mornings were the perfect time for a post hockey family meal. No one gets grumpy when pancakes or Dutch Babies are on the horizon!!
Parents, let go of the guilt! You are not a bad person if you aren’t sitting down for family dinners every night. Take a step back if the “uglies” are getting out of hand. What works for one stage may not work for another. It might just be temporary – a seasonal sports and activity schedule, a growth spurt causing extra exhaustion, a situation at school causing anxiety or grumpiness, a new project or deadline or travel schedule at work. It could be one or more of many things making dinner time a difficult time in your house, but chances are it’s only temporary. What’s more important than having dinner together is spending happy, quality time together. And if dinner time isn’t providing the right stage for that, it’s not serving it’s purpose.
So take the pressure off. Put a pot of Beef and Vegetable Chili or Hamburger Soup on the stove and leave out a few bowls. Pour yourself a glass of wine and see who’s ready to eat. Relax and unclench. Dinner time is about to get so much more pleasant.